Update

I just received this great comment that I wanted to respond to in a post:

I have been wondering how you are doing. I am having such a hard time losing this weight. My husband is a terrible influence, wanting to go out and eat, buy snacks and stuff, oy vey! He supports me in this but he sometimes doesn't care about losing his as much as I do mine. I know he wants to, but he gives in at times. How are you doing? Are you hanging in there? Jess

Thanks for your comment, Jess. I've been meaning to get back on here and give an update, and you just gave me the motivation. I have not been doing well in the body department. In the mind and spirit department I'm feeling great! The show is going really well. We have 1st tech rehearsal today and our first preview performance is on Thursday (Opening Night on Saturday.) I'm loving being back on stage after an almost 2 year hiatus. The role is really meaty and I have some GREAT speeches that really allow me to let loose. Some real "Electra" moments, if you will. I'm so very happy in my marriage (our 1 year anniversary is at the end of the month), the job is going great and I was asked by my boss the other day if I want to come on permanently (which will take a few weeks to get finalized with the temp agency, since he's out of the office for the next 3 weeks, but that's ok with me.)

The only thing that saddens me is how much I've stuck myself in a rut physically. These evening rehearsals are just kicking my ass and I have no energy in the morning to do my workouts. I've been eating whatever I feel like. I've been trying to at least be mindful of WHAT I'm eating. The "diet" foods I've grown accustomed to over the years are just not doing it for me anymore and I'm resenting how quickly I am hungry again --- or just not satiated in the first place, you know? At this point, I'd prefer to actually feel full at my main meals and then not have any snacks throughout the day. It's frustrating. Very very frustrating. I'm stressed from the show and I'm neglecting my exercise and eating habits because of that. I do have a plan though --- as soon as the show is up and we are done with the rehearsal period (which is only a week away) I will get back to a regular exercise regime in the mornings. I am a mere 7 pounds away from being at my heaviest again and I just CAN'T LET THAT HAPPEN. I think about my doctor, how kind she's been, and how right she is when she says that I really do need to lose weight for my health. It's true. If I'm going to start to have children in a few years, I can't imagine ADDING another 40 - 50 lbs. to what I've already got. ARG!!!

Will I ever be happy with my body? Probably not. I love food. I love to eat delicious food. Often. And I'm not a fan of heavy exercise.

What to do?

Jess, I'm sorry for your situation. I am very lucky that at least my husband is not an eater. He's never been the one to influence me to eat something I didn't want to. And he likes working out. Wouldn't you think that should've rubbed off on me by now? But maybe that's the answer. You can't count on anyone but yourself to achieve your goals --- if you REALLY want them. Whether the people in your life are helpful or not, it's still up to YOU to make the choices. You have to influence yourself. The question I ask myself is, "Do I REALLY want this?" I used to. I used to want it passionately. What happened to that? It's just so hard. Really, really hard. Eating is a necessity. It's not like smoking or drinking or doing drugs --- things you can survive without. I can't survive without food, so I am constantly reminded many times a day of my problem and faced with it. I know I'm complaining but I just don't care anymore. I'm going to complain about this if I want. That's what blogs are for, right?

Life isn't so bad. I'm healthy. In love. I have money. A job. A caring family. A passion that I am able to pursue. I'm just chubby. Is that so wrong? Do I take my body too seriously? Maybe if I tried to not think about it too much, it wouldn't be such a big deal.

I don't know. After 3 years of this blog I feel like I'm always going back to Day 1.

Thoughts?